The Motivation Page
The Humor Page
FOOD FUN POLITICS MOVIES MUSIC TELEVISION TRAVEL WWWEBING
This page contains jokes I've received from friends via email or have discovered myself from other sources and have personally found to be very funny. No offense is meant to anyone. This page is here strictly for entertainment purposes only. Read at your own risk.
Flight from an Officer
A fellow in his 40's buys a new mercedes and decides to test it out on the freeway. He is running about 80mph with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair. All of a sudden he notices a highway patrol cruiser flashing his red lights directly behind his car. In an instant, he decides that his new mercedes can easily outrun the patrol car so he jumps the speed up to 100, then 115, and finally 125.
The patrol car is right behind him all the way and the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over. The patrolman walks up to him and asks for his drivers license. He then looks at the driver and says, "This is the last ticket for my shift and I really hate writing up a bunch of paperwork. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off."
The driver thinks for a second and says, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop and trying to give her back to me."
The patrolman let him go.
Drug Dealer or Software Developer?
Refer to their clients as "users."
"The first one's free!"
Have important South-East Asian
Realize that there's tons of cash
Your clients really like your stuff
Job is assisted by the industry
When things go wrong, a "fix" is
A lot of successful people getting rich
Their product causes unhealthy
Refer to their clients as "users."
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian
"CTRL ALT DEL"
Realize that there's tons of cash
Your clients really like your stuff
Job is assisted by the industry
When things go wrong, a "fix" is
A lot of successful people getting rich
DOOM. Quake. SimCity.
UpgradingDear Tech Support:
Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1. I soon noticed that the new program began an unexpected child processing, which took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife-1 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, here it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight and Beerbash no longer run; the system crashes whenever those programs are opened. I cannot seem to purge Wife-1 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend-1, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
This is a very common problem that many men complain about, but the confusion is mostly due to a foundational misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1 with the idea that Wife-1 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Actually, Wife-1 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend-1 because Wife-1 is not designed to do this. Some men have tried to install Girlfriend-2 or Wife-2, but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under "Warning: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife-1 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife-1 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to push the apologize button, then the reset button, as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife-1 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
SuperBowl SundayA guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says, "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
You Might Be An Engineer If......a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
...all your sentences begin with "What if..."
...at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
...buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
...Dilbert is your hero.
...everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
...in college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
...on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
...people groan at the parties when you pick out the music.
...the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
...the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
...the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
...the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
...when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
...you are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
...you are always late to meetings.
...you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
...you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
...you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
...you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
...you are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
...you are still drinking Mr Pibb.
...you are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
...you bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
...you bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.
...you can name at least six Star Trek episodes.
...you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
...you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
...you can understand anything Al Gore says.
...you can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.
...you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
...you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
...you carry a list for everything except the groceries.
...you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
...you disdain people who use low baud rates.
...you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
...you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
...you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
...you ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
...you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
...you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
...you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
...you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
...you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
...you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.
...you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
...you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."
...you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
...you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
...you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
...you have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.
...you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
...you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
...you have never backed up your hard drive.
...you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
...you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
...you introduce your wife/husband as "email@example.com/husband."
...you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your 9th birthday.
...you know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
...you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
...you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
...you know what http:// stands for.
...you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
...you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
...you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.
...you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
...you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
...you rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
...you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."
...you rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
...you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
...you see a good design and still have to change it.
...you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
...you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
...you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
...you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
...you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
...you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
...you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
...you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
...you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
...you think your computer looks better without the cover.
...you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
...you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
...you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
...you walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.
...you want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.
...you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
...you window shop at Radio Shack.
...you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
...you're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
...you've already calculated how much you make per second.
...you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
...your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.
...your checkbook always balances.
...your dress clothes come from Sears.
...your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
...your favorite actor is R2D2.
...your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."
...your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
...your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
...your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.
...your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
...your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
...your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
...your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
...your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
...your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
...your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.
...your laptop computer costs more than your car.
...your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.
...your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
...your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.
...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
...your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.
...your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
...your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. (Jackie Mason)
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: Want a quickie?
How do most men define marriage?
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Poor Dead FredFred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their minister to stand with them. As the minister stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The minister lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The minister thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When......you actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
...you kiss your boyfriend's/girlfriend's home page.
...your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
...your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
...you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
...you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
...you finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the over-head compartment.
...all your day-dreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the Net - e.g. 56k...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3... and when sleeping, you dream in HTML.
...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.com...
...you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
...you start introducing yourself as "Jane at Net dot net dot com."
...your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
...you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
...you turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new E-mail arrives.
...your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like and it doesn't work.
...all of your friends have an @ in their names.
...when looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
...your dog has its own home page.
...you've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
...you can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.
...you check your E-mail. It says, "No new messages." So you check it again.
...you refer to your age as 3.x.
...you have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the Net and even his friends know not to call on that line anymore.
...your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
...even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
...you code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
...you don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
...you name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
...you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
...your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
...you miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
...you start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
...you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on the way back to bed.
...you move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
...you tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
...you actually try that 123.elm.street address.
...you tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
...your friends no longer send you E-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
...you buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
...your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
...you are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
...you get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.04 or higher."
...you never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP because you never log off.
...the last girl you picked up was a jpeg.
...you ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.
...you ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
...you leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the Net."
...you begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
...you turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
...your spouse says communication is important in a marriage so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
...as your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Seminars For Men (prepared and presented by women)
Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by men)
32 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Woman Say
21 Signs You Work In The 90's
Words That Should Be Invented
You Know You're Getting Old When...
...you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
...your back goes out more than you do.
...you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
...you buy a compass for the dash of your car.
...you are proud of your lawn mower.
...your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
...you call Olan Mills before they call you.
...your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
...you sing along with the elevator music.
...you would rather go to work than stay home sick.
...you constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
...you enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
...you consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
...you make an appointment to see the dentist.
...you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
...your neighbors borrow your tools.
...people call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
...you have a dream about prunes.
...you answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
...you send money to PBS.
...the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
...you take a metal detector to the beach.
...you wear black socks with sandals.
...you know what the word "equity" means.
...you can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
...your ears are hairier than your head.
...you talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
...you get into a heated argument about pension plans.
...you got cable for the weather channel.
...you can go bowling without drinking.
...you have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Top 10 Department of Justice Bundling Options for 1998
10 - Dairy Queen must now offer 16 flavors of their choice from Baskin Robbins' menu.
9 - Ford must now offer Chrysler transmissions as an option.
8 - All new automobiles must have 1 Michelin, 1 Goodyear, and 2 other tires of the manufacturer's choosing.
7 - Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast menu to include the Breakfast Jack.
6 - Mac OS must include Win95 upgrade feature.
5 - SUN must now offer MS J++ and HP Java library as well as one other library of their choice.
4 - Energizer Bunny must give equal time to Duracell.
3 - Playboy must bundle their swim suit issue with Penthouse and Sports Illustrated.
2 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves have held a monopoly on little people for too long, they must now incorporate three additional dwarves from one or more fairy tales.
1 - Federal income tax forms must include US Government and one third world country of the taxpayer's choosing.
The Top 39 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southerner Say...
Microsoft vs. The Auto IndustryAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get a thousand miles a gallon."
Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Here is a list of other reasons you do not want Microsoft designing your car:
What A Guy REALLY Means..."I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
"It would take too long to explain."
"We're going to be late."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"That's interesting, dear."
It's a really good movie."
"That's women's work."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I can't find it."
"What did I do this time?"
"I heard you."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
You look terrific."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"We share the housework."
50 Ways To Be Annoying
Advice To Yankees Moving South
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus Is Coming, Everyone Look Busy
A Bartender Is Just A Pharmacist With A Limited Inventory
Horn Broken, Watch For Finger
All Men Are Idiots ... I Married Their King
The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live
My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student
If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Astonished
HELP WANTED: Telepath - You Know Where To Apply
I.R.S.: We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Jesus Loves You ... Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole
I'm Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off
Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can't Handle Drugs
I Love Cats ... They Taste Just Like Chicken
Out Of My Mind. Back In Five Minutes.
Keep Honking, I'm Reloading
Hang Up And Drive
Laugh Alone And The World Thinks You're An Idiot
I Don't Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ
I Want To Die In My Sleep Like My Grandfather ... Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
Lord Save Me From Your Followers
Guns Don't Kill People, Postal Workers Do
I Said "No" To Drugs But They Just Wouldn't Listen
The Gene Pool Could Use A Little Chlorine
Your Kid May Be An Honor Student But You're Still An IDIOT!
Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
It IS As BAD As You Think And They ARE Out To Get You
When You Do A Good Deed, Get A Receipt In Case Heaven Is Like The IRS
Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Naked
If We Aren't Supposed To Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Of Meat?
Forget About World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make It Idiot Proof And Someone Will Make A Better Idiot
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
Lottery: A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math
Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Down My Clothes.
Puritanism: The Haunting Fear That Someone, Somewhere May Be Happy
Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps
Be Nice To Your Kids. They'll Be Choosing Your Nursing Home.
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying 'Nice Doggie!'... Till You Can Find A Rock
I Like You But I Wouldn't Want To See You Working With Sub-Atomic Particles
Sex On Television Can't Hurt You Unless You Fall Off
"Without The Drive To Be On Top... You Just Become A Step For Someone Else To Use In Their Climb To Success."
New Terminology From The Digitally HipBATMOBILING: Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile; as in, "She started talking marriage, and he started batmobiling."
BEEPILEPSY: Afflicts those with vibrating pagers; characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.
BLOWING YOUR BUFFER: Losing your train of thought.
COBWEB: A World Wide Web site that never changes.
IRRITAINMENT: Annoying, but you can't stop watching (the O.J. trial, Baywatch).
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: Takes place in companies with cubicles; something happens and everyone pops up to look.
TREEWARE: Manuals and documentation.
UMFRIEND: Dubious relationships; as in, "This is my...umfriend."
YUPPIE FOOD COUPONS: $20.00 bills from an ATM.
AGE HAPPENSA man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
"I don't date women my age. There aren't any." (Milton Berle)
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't take life so seriously... it's not permanent.
"The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired." (Milton Berle)
"As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did." (Robert Benchley)
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
"I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower." (Gypsy Rose Lee)
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
"The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." (Eugene McCarthy)
Mr. Ryan DeVries
SUBJECT: deq File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.
As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Stephen L.Tvedten, xc: PETA
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