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The Jokes

This page contains jokes I've received from friends via email or have discovered myself from other sources and have personally found to be very funny. No offense is meant to anyone. This page is here strictly for entertainment purposes only. Read at your own risk.

The Jokes


Flight from an Officer

A fellow in his 40's buys a new mercedes and decides to test it out on the freeway. He is running about 80mph with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair. All of a sudden he notices a highway patrol cruiser flashing his red lights directly behind his car. In an instant, he decides that his new mercedes can easily outrun the patrol car so he jumps the speed up to 100, then 115, and finally 125.

The patrol car is right behind him all the way and the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over. The patrolman walks up to him and asks for his drivers license. He then looks at the driver and says, "This is the last ticket for my shift and I really hate writing up a bunch of paperwork. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off."

The driver thinks for a second and says, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop and trying to give her back to me."

The patrolman let him go.

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Drug Dealer or Software Developer?
A Career Comparison

Drug Dealers

Refer to their clients as "users."

"The first one's free!"

Have important South-East Asian
connections (to help move the stuff).

Strange jargon:






"Drive by"

"Hit (LSD)"


Realize that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25-year-old market.

Your clients really like your stuff
when it works. When it doesn't work,
they want to kill you.

Job is assisted by the industry
producing newer, more potent

When things go wrong, a "fix" is
just a phone call away but may
be expensive.

A lot of successful people getting rich
in this industry while still teenagers.

Their product causes unhealthy

Software Developers

Refer to their clients as "users."

"Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East Asian
connections (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:







"Hit (WWW)"


Realize that there's tons of cash
in the 14 to 25-year-old market.

Your clients really like your stuff
when it works. When it doesn't work,
they want to kill you.

Job is assisted by the industry
producing newer, more potent

When things go wrong, a "fix" is
just a phone call away but may
be expensive.

A lot of successful people getting rich
in this industry while still teenagers.

DOOM. Quake. SimCity.
Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1. I soon noticed that the new program began an unexpected child processing, which took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife-1 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, here it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight and Beerbash no longer run; the system crashes whenever those programs are opened. I cannot seem to purge Wife-1 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend-1, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?



Dear Confused:

This is a very common problem that many men complain about, but the confusion is mostly due to a foundational misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend-1 to Wife-1 with the idea that Wife-1 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Actually, Wife-1 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend-1 because Wife-1 is not designed to do this. Some men have tried to install Girlfriend-2 or Wife-2, but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under "Warning: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife-1 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife-1 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to push the apologize button, then the reset button, as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife-1 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

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SuperBowl Sunday

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says, "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

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You Might Be An Engineer If...

...a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

...all your sentences begin with "What if..."

...at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

...buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

...Dilbert is your hero.

...everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

...in college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

...on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

...people groan at the parties when you pick out the music.

...the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

...the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

...the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

...the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

...when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

...you are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

...you are always late to meetings.

...you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

...you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

...you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

...you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

...you are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

...you are still drinking Mr Pibb.

...you are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

...you bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

...you bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.

...you can name at least six Star Trek episodes.

...you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

...you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

...you can understand anything Al Gore says.

...you can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.

...you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

...you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

...you carry a list for everything except the groceries.

...you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

...you disdain people who use low baud rates.

...you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

...you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

...you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.

...you ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

...you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

...you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

...you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

...you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

...you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

...you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.

...you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

...you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."

...you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

...you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

...you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

...you have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.

...you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

...you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

...you have never backed up your hard drive.

...you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

...you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

...you introduce your wife/husband as "mylady/man@home.wife/husband."

...you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your 9th birthday.

...you know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

...you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

...you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

...you know what http:// stands for.

...you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

...you need a checklist to turn on the TV.

...you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.

...you own "Official Star Trek" anything.

...you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

...you rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.

...you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."

...you rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

...you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

...you see a good design and still have to change it.

...you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.

...you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

...you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

...you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

...you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.

...you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

...you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

...you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

...you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

...you think your computer looks better without the cover.

...you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.

...you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

...you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

...you walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.

...you want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.

...you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

...you window shop at Radio Shack.

...you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

...you're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

...you've already calculated how much you make per second.

...you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

...your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.

...your checkbook always balances.

...your dress clothes come from Sears.

...your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

...your favorite actor is R2D2.

...your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."

...your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

...your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.

...your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.

...your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

...your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

...your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

...your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

...your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.

...your IQ is a higher number than your weight.

...your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.

...your laptop computer costs more than your car.

...your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.

...your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

...your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.

...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

...your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.

...your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.

...your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

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Married Bliss

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."


After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. (Jackie Mason)


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."


A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."


The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.


During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."


According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.


Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?


How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.


First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky! Mine's still alive."


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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Poor Dead Fred

Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their minister to stand with them. As the minister stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The minister lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The minister thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When...

...you actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

...you kiss your boyfriend's/girlfriend's home page.

...your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

...your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

...you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

...you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

...you finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the over-head compartment.

...all your day-dreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the Net - e.g. 56k...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3... and when sleeping, you dream in HTML.

...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.com...

...you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

...you start introducing yourself as "Jane at Net dot net dot com."

...your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

...you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

...you turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new E-mail arrives.

...your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like and it doesn't work.

...all of your friends have an @ in their names.

...when looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

...your dog has its own home page.

...you've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

...you can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.

...you check your E-mail. It says, "No new messages." So you check it again.

...you refer to your age as 3.x.

...you have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the Net and even his friends know not to call on that line anymore.

...your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

...even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

...you code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

...you don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

...you name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.

...you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

...your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

...you miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

...you start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

...you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

...you move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

...you tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

...you actually try that 123.elm.street address.

...you tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

...your friends no longer send you E-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.

...you buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

...your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

...you are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

...you get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.04 or higher."

...you never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP because you never log off.

...the last girl you picked up was a jpeg.

...you ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

...you ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

...you leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the Net."

...you begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

...you turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

...your spouse says communication is important in a marriage so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

...as your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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Seminars For Men (prepared and presented by women)

  • Combatting Stupidity
  • You, Too, Can Do Housework
  • PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  • How To Fill An Ice Tray
  • We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
  • Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming In Drunk At 4:00 a.m.
  • Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
  • Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
  • Get a Life: Learn to Cook
  • How Not To Act Like A Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
  • Spelling: Even You Can Get It Right
  • Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  • You: The Weaker Sex
  • 1001 Reasons To Give Flowers
  • How To Stay Awake In Public
  • Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But In The Toilet
  • Garbage: Getting It To The Curb
  • You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
  • The Morning Dilemma: Take A Shower
  • How To Put The Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
  • "The Weekend" And "Sports" Are Not Synonyms
  • Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bull
  • How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
  • The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
  • Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
  • Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
  • Mothers-in-Law: They Are People, Too
  • Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends At Home
  • You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
  • The Dishwasher: It's Not A Garbage Disposal
  • Seeing The True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
  • Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
  • Fluffing The Blankets After Flatulating Is Not Necessary
  • Techniques For Calling Home

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  • Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by men)

  • Elementary Map Reading
  • Crying And Law Enforcement
  • Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
  • You CAN Go Shopping For Less Than 4 Hours
  • Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End Of The World: A Study In Contrast
  • The Seven Outfit Week
  • PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine
  • Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
  • Driving II: The Meaning Of Blinking Orange Lights
  • Driving III: Approximating A Constant Speed
  • Driving IV: Makeup And Driving: It's As Simple As Oil And Water
  • Football: Not A Game, A Sacrament
  • Telephone Translations: "Me Too" = "I Love You"
  • How To Earn Your Own Money
  • Gift-Giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
  • Putting The Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy Is On Your Side
  • Beyond "Clean And Dirty": The Nuances Of Wearable Laundry
  • Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self-Serve Station
  • Joys Of The Remote Control: Reaping The Benefits of 50+ Channels
  • What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
  • His Best Friend Can Be Yours, Too
  • His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
  • Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
  • To Honor And Obey: Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"
  • Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man?

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  • 32 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Woman Say

    1. "What do you mean today's our anniversary??"

    2. "Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch wrestling on TV."

    3. "Ohh, this diamond is WAY too big!"

    4. "Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends."

    5. "Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?"

    6. "Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there."

    7. "I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress!"

    8. "Hey, pull my finger!"

    9. "Honey... why don't you take a regular "boys night out" with your friends?"

    10. "I can't watch "The Sound of Music" tonight... the hockey playoffs are on!"

    11. "Hey, buddy... Will you help me with the zipper on my dress?"

    12. "I sure wish that Avon lady would leave me alone."

    13. "I want to buy this cocktail dress because my best friend has one just like it."

    14. "Here, let me show you how to fix that plumbing problem."

    15. "No, I don't feel like going out to eat. I'd rather stay home and cook tonight."

    16. "I love my hair just the way it is... I'll never change it."

    17. "Housework is my hobby."

    18. "I LOVE the smell of a cigar."

    19. "It will only take me five minutes to get ready for the Christmas party."

    20. "My favorite way to meet people?... Wear a short dress and high heels, go to the mall at night, and park in a remote, unlit lot."

    21. "He ALWAYS understands me!"

    22. "I LOVE washing dishes!"

    23. "I wouldn't miss the "Miss America Pageant" for ANYTHING!"

    24. "Childbirth isn't so bad!"

    25. "I ALWAYS trust my husband."

    26. "I don't need another pair of shoes."

    27. "I sure do envy Hillary Clinton."

    28. "Men really ARE smarter!"

    29. "On our vacation this year, let's go baby seal hunting."

    30. "Honey, why don't you take those smelly old socks off and I'll give you a foot massage?"

    31. "I don't care if he gets me anything for Valentine's Day."

    32. "Shopping isn't everything!"

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    The Rules

    1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.

    2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.

    3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.

    4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.

    5. The FEMALE is never wrong.

    6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

    7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.

    8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

    9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

    10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

    11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

    12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

    13. The MALE is expected to "mind read" at all times.

    14. The MALE who doesn't abide by the RULES; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!

    15. Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.

    16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the RULES are null and void.

    17. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.

    18. The MALE must be ready at ALL times.

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    21 Signs You Work In The 90's

    1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

    2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

    3. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

    4. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

    5. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

    6. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

    7. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

    8. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

    9. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

    10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

    11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.

    12. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

    13. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

    14. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

    15. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

    16. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

    17. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

    18. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

    19. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

    20. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

    21. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

    [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]

    Words That Should Be Invented

  • ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

  • AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

  • AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

  • BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

  • BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

  • CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.

  • DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

  • DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

  • ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

  • EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

  • ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

  • ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

  • FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

  • LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

  • NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

  • PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

  • PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

  • PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

  • PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

  • TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're six inches away.

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  • You Know You're Getting Old When...

    ...you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

    ...your back goes out more than you do.

    ...you quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

    ...you buy a compass for the dash of your car.

    ...you are proud of your lawn mower.

    ...your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

    ...you call Olan Mills before they call you.

    ...your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

    ...you sing along with the elevator music.

    ...you would rather go to work than stay home sick.

    ...you constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

    ...you enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

    ...you consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

    ...you make an appointment to see the dentist.

    ...you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    ...your neighbors borrow your tools.

    ...people call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

    ...you have a dream about prunes.

    ...you answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

    ...you send money to PBS.

    ...the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

    ...you take a metal detector to the beach.

    ...you wear black socks with sandals.

    ...you know what the word "equity" means.

    ...you can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

    ...your ears are hairier than your head.

    ...you talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

    ...you get into a heated argument about pension plans.

    ...you got cable for the weather channel.

    ...you can go bowling without drinking.

    ...you have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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    Top 10 Department of Justice Bundling Options for 1998

    10 - Dairy Queen must now offer 16 flavors of their choice from Baskin Robbins' menu.

    9 - Ford must now offer Chrysler transmissions as an option.

    8 - All new automobiles must have 1 Michelin, 1 Goodyear, and 2 other tires of the manufacturer's choosing.

    7 - Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast menu to include the Breakfast Jack.

    6 - Mac OS must include Win95 upgrade feature.

    5 - SUN must now offer MS J++ and HP Java library as well as one other library of their choice.

    4 - Energizer Bunny must give equal time to Duracell.

    3 - Playboy must bundle their swim suit issue with Penthouse and Sports Illustrated.

    2 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves have held a monopoly on little people for too long, they must now incorporate three additional dwarves from one or more fairy tales.

    1 - Federal income tax forms must include US Government and one third world country of the taxpayer's choosing.

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    The Top 39 Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southerner Say...
    ...ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

    39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."

    38. "Duct tape won't fix that."

    37. "Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."

    36. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."

    35. "We don't keep firearms in this house."

    34. "Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?"

    33. "You can't feed that to the dog."

    32. "I thought Graceland was tacky."

    31. "No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe."

    30. "Wrasslin's fake."

    29. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

    28. "We're vegetarians."

    27. "Do you think my hair is too big?"

    26. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."

    25. "Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?"

    24. "Who's Richard Petty?"

    23. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

    22. "Deer heads detract from the decor."

    21. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."

    20. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."

    19. "Trim the fat off that steak."

    18. "Cappuccino tastes better that espresso."

    17. "The tires on that truck are too big."

    16. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

    15. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."

    14. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."

    13. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

    12. "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."

    11. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

    10. "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."

    9. "Checkmate."

    8. "She's too old to be wearing a bikini."

    7. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

    6. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."

    5. "I don't have a favorite college team."

    4. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

    3. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."

    2. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

    And the #1 thing you will NEVER hear a Southerner say is - 1. "Elvis who?"

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    Microsoft vs. The Auto Industry

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get a thousand miles a gallon."

    Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

    Here is a list of other reasons you do not want Microsoft designing your car:

    1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

    4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But, then you would have to buy more seats.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

    7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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    What A Guy REALLY Means...

    "I'm going fishing."
    Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "It's a guy thing."
    Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "Can I help with dinner?"
    Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
    Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

    "It would take too long to explain."
    Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

    "We're going to be late."
    Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
    Really means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
    Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "That's interesting, dear."
    Really means... "Are you still talking?"

    It's a really good movie."
    Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

    "That's women's work."
    Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

    "You know how bad my memory is."
    Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
    Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I can't find it."
    Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "What did I do this time?"
    Really means... "What did you catch me at?"

    "I heard you."
    Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

    "You know I could never love anyone else."
    Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    You look terrific."
    Really means... "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
    Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."

    "We share the housework."
    Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

    [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]

    50 Ways To Be Annoying

    1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    2. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    3. Drum on every available surface.

    4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    5. Ask 800 operators for dates.

    6. Specify that your drive-through order is "to-go."

    7. Set alarms for random times.

    8. Learn Morse code and have conversations with your friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeeep Beep, Beep Beeeeep Beep...."

    9. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Uncle Bob's stereo with the volume properly adjusted.

    10. Honk and wave to strangers.

    11. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

    12. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    13. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

    14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    15. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    16. But a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    17. Pay for your dinner on a date with pennies.

    18. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    19. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

    20. Write "X-Buried Treasure" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

    21. Inform everyone you meet of your personal opinion of the Kennedy assassination, UFO's, and the O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

    22. Repeat the following a dozen times: "Did you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now."

    23. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    24. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    25. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    26. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    27. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chop?)

    28. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles.

    29. Pretend that your mouse is a CB radio and talk into it. (This works great in a computer center.)

    30. Name your dog, "Dog."

    31. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    32. Ask people what gender they are.

    33. Reply to everything someone says, "That's what YOU think."

    34. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and put the cookie parts back in the tray.

    35. Forget the punch line of a long joke but assure the listener that it was a "real hoot."

    36. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture.

    37. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

    38. Lie obviously about trival things, such as the time of the day.

    39. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    40. Sit in your front yard and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    41. Chew on pens you've borrowed... then return them.

    42. Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed and claim that the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    43. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

    44. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    45. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and scribble down their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

    46. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

    47. Never make eye contact.

    48. Never break eye contact.

    49. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    50. Construct elaborate "Crop Circles" on your front lawn.

    [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]

    Advice To Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

    9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

    10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

    11. People walk slower here.

    12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

    13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol' ", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

    14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    15. Be advised: The "He needed killin' " defense is valid here.

    16. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    17. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    18. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

    20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

    21. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    22. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    23. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    24. In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."

    25. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane to drive in.

    26. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

    [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]

    Bumper Stickers

      We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

      Jesus Is Coming, Everyone Look Busy

      A Bartender Is Just A Pharmacist With A Limited Inventory

      Horn Broken, Watch For Finger

      All Men Are Idiots ... I Married Their King

      The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live

      My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student

      If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Astonished

      HELP WANTED: Telepath - You Know Where To Apply

      I.R.S.: We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got

      Jesus Loves You ... Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole

      I'm Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off

      Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can't Handle Drugs

      I Love Cats ... They Taste Just Like Chicken

      Out Of My Mind. Back In Five Minutes.

      Keep Honking, I'm Reloading

      Hang Up And Drive

      Laugh Alone And The World Thinks You're An Idiot

      I Don't Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ

      I Want To Die In My Sleep Like My Grandfather ... Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car

      Lord Save Me From Your Followers

      Guns Don't Kill People, Postal Workers Do

      I Said "No" To Drugs But They Just Wouldn't Listen

      The Gene Pool Could Use A Little Chlorine

      Your Kid May Be An Honor Student But You're Still An IDIOT!

      Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine

      It IS As BAD As You Think And They ARE Out To Get You

      When You Do A Good Deed, Get A Receipt In Case Heaven Is Like The IRS

      Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Naked

      If We Aren't Supposed To Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Of Meat?

      Forget About World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

      Make It Idiot Proof And Someone Will Make A Better Idiot

      He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

      Lottery: A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math

      Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.

      Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Down My Clothes.

      Puritanism: The Haunting Fear That Someone, Somewhere May Be Happy

      Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps

      Be Nice To Your Kids. They'll Be Choosing Your Nursing Home.

      Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?

      Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying 'Nice Doggie!'... Till You Can Find A Rock

      I Like You But I Wouldn't Want To See You Working With Sub-Atomic Particles

      Sex On Television Can't Hurt You Unless You Fall Off

      "Without The Drive To Be On Top... You Just Become A Step For Someone Else To Use In Their Climb To Success."

      [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]

    New Terminology From The Digitally Hip

    BATMOBILING: Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile; as in, "She started talking marriage, and he started batmobiling."

    BEEPILEPSY: Afflicts those with vibrating pagers; characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.

    BLOWING YOUR BUFFER: Losing your train of thought.

    COBWEB: A World Wide Web site that never changes.

    IRRITAINMENT: Annoying, but you can't stop watching (the O.J. trial, Baywatch).

    PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.

    PRAIRIE DOGGING: Takes place in companies with cubicles; something happens and everyone pops up to look.

    TREEWARE: Manuals and documentation.

    UMFRIEND: Dubious relationships; as in, "This is my...umfriend."

    YUPPIE FOOD COUPONS: $20.00 bills from an ATM.

    [Back to The Humor Page]    [Back to the Top]


    A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

    Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

    You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

    "I don't date women my age. There aren't any." (Milton Berle)

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

    Don't take life so seriously... it's not permanent.

    "The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired." (Milton Berle)

    "As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did." (Robert Benchley)

    The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

    "I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower." (Gypsy Rose Lee)

    You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

    You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

    You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

    You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

    You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

    Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

    You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

    Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

    "The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." (Eugene McCarthy)

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    Mr. Ryan DeVries
    2088 Dagget
    Pierson. MI 49339

    SUBJECT: deq File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

    A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

    Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

    Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


    David L. Price
    District Representative Land and Water Management Division

    ----Reply Letter----

    Dear Mr. Price:

    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

    First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

    I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

    My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

    As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


    Stephen L.Tvedten, xc: PETA

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    REJECTED! State Mottos

    Alabama:  At Least We're Not Mississippi
    Alaska:  11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong
    Arizona:  Dehyd-rific!!
    Arkansas:  Litterasy Ain't Everything
    California:  As Seen on TV
    Colorado:  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
    Connecticut:  Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier & With Less Character
    Florida:  Ask Us About Our Great-Grandchildren
    Georgia:  We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
    Hawaii:  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
    Idaho:  More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
    Illinois:  Gateway to Iowa
    Indiana:  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    Iowa:  Land of James T. Kirk
    Kansas:  First of the Rectangle States
    Kentucky:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    Louisiana:  We're Not All Drunk Cajuns But That's Our Tourism Campaign
    Maine:  Cheap Lobster
    Maryland:  A Thinking Man's Delaware
    Massachusetts:  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
    Michigan:  First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
    Minnesota:  For Sale
    Mississippi:  Come Feel Better About Your Own State
    Missouri:  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
    Montana:  Land of the Big Sky, The Unabomber & Very Little Else
    Nebraska:  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
    Nevada:  Whores & Poker!!
    New Hampshire:  Go Away & Leave Us Alone
    New Jersey:  You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!!
    New Mexico:  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    New York:  You Have The Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney . . .
    North Carolina:  Tobacco Is A Vegetable
    North Dakota:  Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!!
    Ohio:  Don't Judge Us By Cleveland
    Oklahoma:  Like the Play, Only No Singing
    Oregon:  Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
    Pennsylvania:  Cook With Coal
    Rhode Island:  We're Not REALLY An Island
    South Carolina:  Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
    South Dakota:  Closer Than North Dakota
    Tennessee:  The Educashun State
    Texas:  Se Hablo Ingles
    Utah:  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    Vermont:  Yep
    Virginia:  Who Says Government Stiffs & Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix
    Washington:  Help!! We're Overrun By Nerds & Slackers!!
    Washington, D.C.:  Wanna Be Mayor??
    West Virginia:  One Big Happy Family - Really!!
    Wisconsin:  Come Cut Our Cheese
    Wyoming:  & That's What It Does . . .

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    Little Johnny

    A new teacher, trying to make use of her Psychology courses, began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

    After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.

    The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

    "No, Ma'am," he said. "But, I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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    Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

    1. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

    2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

    3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

    4. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.catfancy.com/.

    5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

    6. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

    7. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

    8. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

    9. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

    10. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

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    1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    2. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

    3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    5. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    7. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

    8. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    9. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

    10. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?

    11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

    12. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    13. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

    14. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    15. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    16. What happens when none of your bees wax?

    17. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

    18. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

    19. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    20. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

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    20 Things You Can Do To Keep Your Sanity At Work

    1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

    2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.(This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

    3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Zatrochious."

    4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

    5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

    6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

    7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

    9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

    10. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

    11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

    12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

    13. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

    14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

    15. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

    16. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

    17. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    18. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

    19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

    20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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    A Visit With Einstein

    Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay, but not to worry, he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait.

    Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241."

    "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

    Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144."

    "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

    Albert goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the third man answers, "51."

    "Excellent!" exclaims Albert. "How 'bout those Cowboys?!"

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